My Motherly Fear!

Recent Conversations:

Me: Hey! How are you doing?

Person: I am well. How’s the baby? How’s motherhood?

Me: Over whelming, tiring, and extremely fulfilling. Guess what, we are now trying to sit, can you believe how fast time flies? Can’t wait for him to make 6 months and introduce solids …… ( continues to talk about Ehan).

With such conversations, I sometimes forget all the fears that made me think and sometimes cry myself to sleep while carrying my SONshine.

I am one to wear my heart on my sleeve all the time, I love LOVE and give it unconditionally so never in my life have ever doubted or feared that I wouldn’t love someone enough – especially a child that I bore. While I was pregnant I had several fears most of which I faced head on and dealt with but a few that I kept to myself in fear of what the person I will confide in will think of me. The fear that I wouldn’t love my baby as much as I wanted and needed made me sick to my stomach and unfortunately this was a thought I failed to dismiss however much I tried to. I am a silent follower of several mother / parent oriented forums on social media and the love mothers express for their children is exceptional, one may start to question, “Will I love my child the way all these mothers love their children?” That was a question that kept me up at night as I felt Ehan kick wondering if I will love him the way I wanted to love him until the night of January 13^th2017 when I held him in my arms after 2 days of labor and felt exactly what the other mothers feel – as they say, the rest was history.

I have been having several conversations about motherhood lately with a few friends and I simply express my recent understanding about why some people choose not to have children even when they are able to. Being one who always wanted to have a full house LOL, I had never found a reason for one not to want bear children especially. As much as being a mother is the most fulfilling job – the deepest and most genuine love one can ever have / experience, I feel it’s the most risky and dangerous position for one to be in – never has the famous “I will take a bullet for you” statement made so much sense until I had Ehan. With the world so cruel, a mother’s heart is never at peace for the fear of the unknown; but you and I chose to live with that for the love so deep that comes from looking at your child.

Love so deep it makes one’s heart cringe so hard with just the thought harm and no smile is wide enough to express how full a Mother’s heart is when she looks at her child. To my SONshine Ehan, you are truly a blessing with that cute smile of yours that literally melts my heart – I want you to know that you shall never walk alone. I love you!