While we excitedly anticipated adulthood as kids, we were never cautioned about the loss we will experience as we maneuver this ghetto hood. From loss of loved ones, to the loss of the dreams we were so positive about, the loss of friends and so much more. Okay, I will speak for myself and say that I was never cautioned about the trials of adulthood as I Iooked forward to becoming that big independent girl (I wish I had sat down with the reality that Yaka (electricity) would deplete so fast and I would have to make sure the doors in the house are locked because my kids depend on me now LOL). On the same breath, I would love to acknowledge and give a big shout out to my father for fighting and doing his best to let my siblings and I be children for as long as we would. As a 30 something year old mother of two, I still get moments when I have to pat myself back to the reality of “I am a whole adult with my own little people under my wing”. I love and appreciate you dad.
This could have been a personal journal entry but this is me jotting down my thoughts in the hope that someone out there might relate.
Back to loss…
Recently as I sat down with my thoughts and journal, I came to the realization of how much I have lost (from the tiny to the big losses) – time, dreams, friends I called sisters, lovers, house helps, the picture I had drawn of the life I thought I was meant to live and of course my biggest loss being my lovely mother (I miss you mom). As I jotted down my thoughts, I realized that all my loss had one thing in common – and that was me trying to figure out a why. Why did I close my clothing store? (If you didn’t know, I had a store a few years back, you can catch up HERE) Why was my friendship not worth a conversation? Why did mom have to leave me so young? Why did I give this dude a chance and then have to end it? So many why’s and yet as I waited for a response in my head, all I heard was crickets.
After a number of journal entries trying to analyze my loss, playing back scenarios and imagining better endings of certain things, I finally came to the realization (which has always lingered at the back of my head ) that ALL THIS RIGHT HERE (and some) IS WHAT WE CALL LIFE! That this thing called LIFE HAS SEASONS – and just like your favorite series, each season comes to an end and eventually the show is no more. I accepted that I do not need to have answers for everything, sometimes your favorite show doesn’t give you a warm up as it comes to conclusion and that’s okay. I wish somebody had told me “Maya, as you get older life will happen, you will lose people and things you hold dear, it will not be easy but unfortunately life keeps on moving and so do you”. Some losses like death of a parent or someone you love are an actual detriment, while others are actually a win in disguise -imagine you had stayed with that man / woman who made you cry yourself to sleep every night.
Do you know that thing they say “Speak to yourself the same way you would speak to your best friend”? I always tell my friends to enjoy the different seasons of their lives, to love hard and not to beat themselves up when something comes to an end. That right there is exactly how I should have been speaking to myself all along instead of pondering trying to figure out why something happened the way it did. So my babes, if you are ever in your head wondering why you lost something – remember these things; 1) It was all God’s will 2) It was a season in your life and it came to an end. So be present in every season of your life, fully immerse yourself and enjoy it so if it comes to an end you can look back and appreciate how good that season felt. With that, may we enjoy all the different seasons of adulthood as there’s so much to look forward to.
Love and Light
Maya.B
